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Guilty as charged.

Lately I've been feeling very... regretful (?), I suppose, is the best way to put it.  But here's the kicker: regretful over things that happened more than a decade ago now.

I won't bother going into the nitty gritty details -- there's no point.  Just... after years of therapy back in my late teens/early 20's, eventual recovery and then the ability to see things for what they really were/are?  Well, I am mortified and ashamed of my behavior, needless to say. I suppose being troubled myself back then, I possessed a huge 'blind spot' when it came to red flags and inappropriate behavior... but even so.

I wish more than anything that I could apologize to a specific individual, but I've been advised not to, as not to upset them any further (apparently things are still not okay in their world, which hurts my heart).  I'm sure if I told people what was troubling me and who it was regarding, they would wonder why in the world I care so much about this.  Well, truth be told, the only difference between me and the individual in question is the fact that I was able to distance myself from everyone/everything and seek help.  I see so much of the 'old' Krizzy in them and it's a horrid feeling, knowing that all these years later, they're still struggling with the same feelings and situations.  But the bottom line is this:



  • It's none of my business.

  • Nothing I say/do can ever rectify the damage that has already been done.

  • You can't help people who don't want to be helped.

  • I need to stop beating myself up over this... especially all these years later.

  • The person I should ultimately be seeking forgiveness from is myself.

C'est la vie.

BIG 'OL UPDATE.

Holy crap, a lot has happened.  I don't even know where to begin.  I'll try to make this brief... ish.  ;)

  • Had my surgery on November 7, 2012... they were able to get rid of most of my Endometriosis.  I've been pain-free since and my fertility should still be in tact.  Huzzah!

  • Family planning.  Mix of Huzzah! and AAAAAAAAH.

  • Roommate (friend of mine) stayed with us for about 6 months, which was nice -- extra money.  Not gonna lie though, it's nice having our place to ourselves again...

  • gametacular got offered an amazing career opportunity here in the area.  The money was so good, we didn't dare risk moving back to Texas.

  • *I* was offered an amazing opportunity with a big tech company out here.  Double the pay, double the perks, 1,000,000x the happiness... ;)

  • We're going to move into a new place soon, which I'm beyond excited about.  Our current place is way too big for the two of us.  I know most people probably wouldn't complain about having "too much space" (LOL), but it's just an easy way to accumulate way too much junk.  Besides, we hate being home owners and want to rent again.

  • Completely med-free for the first time since 11 years old. Not even so much as a melatonin supplement anymore - I'm dead serious.  I feel amazing.  I'm even sleeping like a [somewhat] normal human being.  It's the best.

  • Coming up on 3 year wedding anniversary and 8 years of being an item.  ;)  <3

  • My little sister turned 16 years old last week (ugh)!  Making me feel ancient...

  • Back in touch with bindusara after all these years, which has been great.  It's been fun catching up.  As I approach my 30's, it's important to me that I be at peace with my past.

  • Took a couple of trips back to DFW since I last posted -- both were fun.  First was for my BFF's daughter's baptism (I'm a Godmother); second was for a close friend's wedding (I was a bridesmaid).

  • I QUIT SMOKING.  :D :D :D


That's about it, I guess.  Compared to how much I used to ramble on here when I was a teenager, I'd say that was pretty damn good and condensed.  ;)

Anyway... when I'm not working, I'm usually at home either on my iPad or watching TV.  I've never been a huge fan of television, but for some reason, gametacular and I have been watching it a bit more lately.  We've also both been kinda-sorta playing FFXIV, but... I dunno.  I think after WoW, we're both very... MMO'd out.  :P  For now, at least.

I'll update again later.  Ciao for now...

Wild child.

Quick Update...

Apologies for the lack of updates. I've been without my laptop for a few months now... hard disk failure. :( Just got it replaced, thanks to a co-worker of Ryan's who had a spare which just so happened to fit my ASUS. Now I just need to call them and get a restore disc and I'll be computer-ful again... hooray!

At work right now. Can't concentrate worth a crap, so I'm taking a quick "time out" to update.

The OCD Study I'm participating in has been amazing. I'm off of the Anafranil and sticking with the exposure therapy, which has been extremely beneficial. I never realized how much I was avoiding my triggers until I started this program. I'm loving it. I'm also in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and attending weekly sessions here in town too. That's been helping a lot too. I feel like I'm in good shape, mentally speaking. :) It's refreshing...

gametacular and I decided to get a roommate (a friend of mine here in the area) to help us save $$ quicker so we can move back to Texas next year. Hopefully that's still in the cards. I'm not quite sure, since gametacular might be moving up in the company... again! :) I'm proud of him and the salary increase will be nice, but man... I really wanna get out of here. LOL.

What else? Uhhhhh. Oh yeah! I got approved for surgery! My laparoscopy is on November 6th. I'm hoping for pain relief and some good news on the fertility front once they excise all of the endometriosis crap. I'm totally stoked and excited.

More later... Hope everyone is well. xoxo.

You're never too old to play dress-up...

Oh my god.  Okay.  I'm back.  That sinus infection was sure a treat, lemme tell you what.

Turns out that the Avelox (antibiotic) ended up interacting with my OCD medication (Anafranil).  In a horrid, horrid way.  Tachycardia, chest pain, severe heart palpitations, dizziness to the point of nearly fainting whenever I'd stand up, etc. etc.  I called my doctor's office and they told me my doctor wasn't in that day.  I asked to speak to another doctor in the practice; alas, to no avail -- they were busy with another patient.  So I call CVS, where I get my prescriptions filled, and explained the situation... only to be told, "ZOMG HANG UP IMMEDIATELY AND CALL YOUR DOCTOR."  So I call the doctor's office back and they tell me to call my health insurance (Aetna)'s on-call nurse.  I do so.  The lady has me check my pulse.  116.  Once again, "Hang up immediately and call your doctor."  JESUS CHRIST FUUUUUU.  I was like, "Fuck this shit" and stayed at work the whole day because I had a lot to do.  Stupid, I know, but I figured I might as well try and get my mind off of this crap and be productive while I still could, in case anything was seriously wrong with me.  Hooray for having that workaholic mentality...

Finally, close to 6pm, I roll into the Saint Mary's health clinic where my doctor works at and LO AND BEHOLD, there she is.  Lying receptionist bitch!  But whatever, I was happy she was in.  I went back and explained the situation.  Apologized profusely for not telling her I was on this new OCD medication (last appointment, I was so sick and out of it that I forgot to even mention it).  Told her this was my fault.  She begged to differ and was livid with CVS, for not checking drug interactions before dispensing the medication.  She took my vitals.  Fever was finally gone, but heart rate was still close to 100.  She asked what medication I was taking for my OCD.  I told her.  She remained calm, but I could tell she was thinking to herself, "Oh holy mother of fuck" because before I could so much as blink, she immediately pulled out the EKG machine.  I won't lie; I was kind of freaking out at this point.  I' had never even so much as SEEN one of those in my entire life prior to that point.

So they're hooking the crap up to me and all the while, I'm thinking to myself, "Well, if I end up with prolonged QT intervals and my heart decides to take a shit on me, I'll be sure to at least sue CVS first so gametacular and the rest of my family will basically be set for life."  LMAO.  Horrible, I know.  Fortunately, the EKG came back normal.  I was prescribed a 5-day Z-Pack (I had only taken 7/10 of the Avelox before discontinuing it) and went on my merry way.  Had some residual side-effects for around 48 hours after stopping the Avelox, but yeah... ugh.  Never doing that shit ever again.  Silly me thought I'd be fine since I was on the lowest dose of my OCD meds... Wrooooong!

Had a good visit with my mom while she was in town.  It's just too bad that I spent 90% of her trip out here sick as a dog.  We did not go to Lake Tahoe -- by the time I felt better this past weekend, thunderstorms were forecast for both Saturday and Sunday.  OF COURSE.  >_<  ffffff.  That's okay though.  We still hung out a lot and got to talk and we watched old SNL on Netflix and laughed our butts off.  It was good times.  It was hard coming home from work today and not seeing her in the house.  She left today around 2-ish.  Lame.

IN NOT-SO-LAME NEWS: found out at work today that he will be able to telecommute from Texas without any problems.  This only makes the moving process that much easier.  Now we just need to sell the house, fix the car... and we're outta here! \o/  Back to DFW.  Plano-Frisco area, preferably.  Been 8 years too long, for sure.  Oh, and I should probably look into finding a headhunter in the DFW area as well.  I'd ideally like to have a job lined up before moving back, but y'know... whatever.  I have connections and I know I'll find something regardless. I just keep having to remind myself that even if I'm making $10K less/year salary-wise or whatever, that it's not really a big loss, considering how expensive the cost of living is here on the west coast.  I kinda scoffed at one of my friends for offering me a job at her company where she's only making $10/hr and then it dawned on me: "Oh yeah, that's basically the equivalent of making $15/hr here."  LOL.  But still, I'm worth way more than that with my skillset and whatnot.  I don't say that to sound holier-than-thou either; it's just that I've gained so much on-the-job experience at my current place of employment over the past 4.5 years.  I'd ideally like a job similar to the one I currently have (Marketing) or an IT helpdesk position where I just have to use a ticketing system day in and day out, because sometimes not being challenged is a nice mental vacation.  Especially if I plan on going back to school for a 3rd time.  OMG, I'm going to be in school for the rest of my life... I just never want to stop!  LOL.

Anyway, it's definitely nice having something to look forward to.  I can tell gametacular is definitely in high spirits.  :)

- - - OCD Update - - -

HALLELUJAH, I AM CURED!  Not really, obviously, but I'm doing 95% better, I'd say.  The 5% problematic area stems from the compulsions (some mild hair pulling, mindless checking and organizational struggles), but certainly nothing unbearable.  The obsessions are completely gone though.  Not even gametacular can fully believe it.  It's been like night and day since the Anafranil.  After spending nearly 2 years isolating myself from him and staying cooped up in the bedroom with nothing but my obsessive thoughts, this has been a nice reprieve, so to speak.  :P  No longer thinking about people I shouldn't be thinking about, no more difficulty differentiating between fantasy and reality, no more romanticizing past events inside my head, etc. etc.  It's so nice.  Whenever people ask what's on my mind, I'm honestly able to say, "nothing."  Or if something is on my mind, it's something completely trivial.  Ahhhh.  Finally.  The only downside to feeling better (I'm sure that sounds weird: what's so bad about feeling better, right?) is that I'm having to deal with a bit of regret.  Mainly stuff I said to my ex in my "goodbye, I'm never talking to you again" letter that was, in retrospect, completely over the top.  But oh well.  What'cha gonna do.  I'm just glad it's all over with.

Gonna play on my iPad and then crash.  Big day at work tomorrow.  Put together a presentation for the sales reps on a new promotion we're launching that's gonna rock their worlds.  :P

Tagged by gametacular.

Songs
1. Pendulum - The Island Pt 1
2. Ellie Goulding - Lights
3. Fair To Midland - A Loophole in Limbo
4. Selena Gomez - Love You Like A Love Song
5. The Naked And Famous - Bells
6. Kate Havnevik - Kaleidoscope
7. Coldplay - Spies
8. Andain - Promises
9. Seabound - Hooked (Radical Mix)
10. Motion City Soundtrack - Everything Is Alright

Movies
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. The Notebook
3. The Butterfly Effect
4. Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back
5. Beauty and the Beast
6. The Big Lebowski
7. Full Metal Jacket
8. American History X
9. Fight Club
10. The Matrix

Games
1. Tales of Destiny
2. Final Fantasy IV
3. Secret of Mana
4. Lufia
5. Animal Crossing
6. Final Fantasy VII
7. Wild Arms
8. Phantasy Star IV
9. Phantasy Star Online
10. Super Bomberman

Turn Ons
1. Intelligence
2. Sense of humor
3. Confidence
4. Being pinned/tied down, restrained
5. Being told what to do
6. Dirty talk
7. Roughness
8. Surprises
9. Lots of foreplay and build-up
10. Sweat. Not my own, no. The taste, the smell... hottt.

Things to look forward to.

Took my little Kia in this morning to get the brakes done.  Brakes were making scary sounds that resembled a dot matrix printer.  That's probably not a good thing... LOL.  Went out to breakfast at IHOP with my grandma after we dropped the car off.  Just waiting for the call to come pick it up now -- hopefully it's finished by the end of the day.  I really don't want to have to go all of tomorrow without a car.

Been cleaning the house in preparation for my mom and sister's arrival.  They get here Wednesday morning.  I want to request that day off from work; however, I have a lot of marketing content to write for August and I don't want to be behind schedule.  Blah.  Can't wait to see them though.  Sunday, my mom wants to go to Lake Tahoe with Ryan and I so we can go parasailing (mom took me for my birthday last year; now we're hopelessly addicted) and spend a day at one of the beaches.  I prefer the South Lake area, but we'll see where we end up.  :)

Friday night is a bowling get-together with people from my husband's company.  He was recently promoted and is doing newhire training for insurance sales at his work (woo-hoo!), so he's been trying to coordinate group functions more often.  I really enjoy everyone he works with; it's a good group.

Saturday, my former supervisor is coming back into town (she moved to Arizona) for her baby shower, which my hubby and I will be attending.  Busy, busy weekend ahead!  So yeah, relaxing in Tahoe on Sunday will be a nice treat indeed.

Been thinking back to the original 'Krizzy' LJ (2001-2004?) and all of the lame-ass teenage drama.  Makes me giggle and want to slap myself upside the head about a bazillion times.  I won't say any more about it, except that I suppose it's typical to make so many mistakes when you're that young and dumb... but even still.  Phew.  What a ride.  A ride I'm thankful to have gotten off of when I did.

Moving away from Texas did me a lot of good.  Not only did it allow me to grow and mature as a person, but if I hadn't gotten out of there when I did, I wouldn't have met my amazing husband.  I never really bought into the whole "everything happens for a reason" thing until that chapter of my life unfolded.  Have I lived an absolutely mundane life for the past 8 years?  Pretty much.  Am I upset about it?  Not in the freakin' slightest.  I feel nothing but confident about moving back to DFW, especially since I've long since cut all of the toxic people out of my life.  I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  Including money, because the cost of living out here is effing ridiculous.  Haha.

Guess that's it for now... Gonna have a beer and finish cleaning.  xo.

I'm baaa~aack...


Hi, LiveJournal~!  ♥  Sure has been a while.  Years, in fact!

What's been going on all these years?  Let's see...
  1. I'm married to an amazing man (gametacular).  We've been together about 7 years now; married for a year and a half.
  2. Went to school for IT (Networking & Server Technologies Emphasis), yet somehow managed to land a career in Social Media Marketing.  Yeah, I've still yet to figure that one out.  Anyway, been with the company for 4.5 years now and I love what I do... so whatever!
  3. Hubby and I will be moving back to DFW in the next year or two.  Excited beyond belief.  \o/  I miss all of my friends so entirely much!  Got to take a trip back there last month tho; it was super nice to see everyone again.
  4. As hubby kindly pointed out in the comments, I forgot to mention the fact that we kind of moved 3,000 miles away back in '07.  But I'll never say where, because I'm paranoid and don't like telling people where I live. :D
  5. OH MY GOD, I CUT MY HAIR OFF YESSSSSSS.  It should be noted that I am also like, 10 pounds lighter than I am in that photo.  Back down to 115 pounds and in a size 5 pants again for the first time since like, 16 years old.   Eff.  Yes.

I dunno, I guess that's basically it.  Nothing too earth-shattering.